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“We’re on Vacation”

“When I can no longer change my environment, 
the challenge becomes to change myself”. 
~Viktor Frankl

     The family just got back from a pretty amazing 10 day vacation in San Diego. We did Disney, ate at most of the restaurants we wanted to (I’ll get you next time, Operacaffe!), hung out with family, saw some friends and family, and just generally had a terrific time! However, this great vacation was almost derailed by a medication oversight. Let me explain:
     My prescription for ADHD medication was almost out. Because it’s a controlled substance, pharmacies won’t fill the prescription early, doctors won’t write a prescription before the previous script has expired, and that means I have a 24 hour window, every 30 days, to fill a script. I had 2 pills left before leaving. That means we needed to try and get a back dated script. Neither the doctor nor the pharmacy would bend the rules. I get it, I do. So it seemed like the only option was to get the meds in California. This is where I learned something new! California has this silly little law which prevents them from filling an out of state prescription. I was officially up the brown creek without means of navigation or propulsion.
     At this point, my wife began to get nervous. She knows my frustration tolerance tends to be non-existent, I’m not as tolerable to missed expectations, and I’m just not as thoughtful or observant. And we were taking a 5 and 2 year old to Disneyland. For 2 days. In a row.
     Not sure if you’ve ever been to Disneyland. For 2 days. In a row. With a 5 and 2 year old. If you haven’t, let me tell you about it! It’s full of frustration and missed expectations and it requires thoughtful observation to skillfully navigate lines, rides, and massive crowds.
     We kicked our brains into overdrive in an attempt to problem solve. My wife and I both have master’s degrees! We can do this! Maybe we could mail it, next day, to a friend in Kansas who could fill it at the apothecary! Nope. Controlled substance. Plus, we’d risk the script getting lost in the mail and, since one had already been written for that time span, the doctor wouldn’t write a new one. We even thought about trying to find a doctor or PA in an urgent care setting that may write a script. However, by the time we covered the cost of seeing someone out of network, it would be pretty cost prohibitive. The potential lawsuit we could receive for me losing my mind during the vacation would probably be cheaper.
     That’s when the words of Viktor Frankl sprang to mind: “When I can no longer change my environment, the challenge becomes to change myself.” I wasn’t going to get rid of my ADD. Not in a day. My wife could probably help me by point out when I was acting all ADD, which would work, if I was medicated. Unmedicated me is a hypersensitive me. Any critique would be interpreted as a value judgment against my person. She knew that. I knew that. I suggested we come up with a type of safe-word, something that would let me know I was losing it, but didn’t sound like a critique. My wife suggested the phrase, “We’re on vacation”.
     “We’re on vacation!” Why didn’t I think of that?  That is brilliant! It’s simple, not embarrassing, non-critical, and it reminds me of what the expectations are: to have fun! Not to have fun in a hurried, panicky, we-better-have-as-much-fun-as-possible-or-else kind of way, but real, genuine, natural enjoyable time. That might work!
     We went through the rest of the vacation, drug free, and I’m happy to report I didn’t have to murder anyone. And we had fun! In fact, there were a few times when the kids were losing their minds where I had to remind my wife that we were “on vacation”. It was a signal to reevaluate priorities based on context and overarching expectations (i.e., we’re here to have fun, so who cares if we don’t get to ride every ride or see every princess?). We got back to Kansas, filled the prescription, and then something strange happened.

     Life has a way of not noticing you were just on vacation. Case loads, paperwork, traffic, none of that stops to think, “Hey, I’ll bet this guy really wants to ease back into the work week. Let’s take it easy for a bit”. At least, not in my experience. If that happens to you, please leave a comment explaining your god-like powers. Please. In truth, things were pretty chaotic for the next few vacation days. And then, coming home after a 12 hour day to children that were potentially turning feral and a wife/mother who was holding on to the last shreds of her soul, I took a risk and said something that could (should) have gotten me slapped right across the face: I said, “We’re on vacation!” Initially, my wife looked incredulous. But then, she laughed. In that moment, the mood of the entire house changed. My amazing wife went with it, and it’s worked ever since.
     The same thing that potentially ruins our vacations can suck the joy right out of our lives: Expectations overshadow goals. The things we think we should and ought to have don’t always appear right on schedule. Instead of maintaing the proper perspective on the circumstances that can help us get to our goals (expectations), those expectations usurp the real goals to the point we don’t even remember what we needed in the first place. Wants and needs become intertwined to the extent we can no longer tell them apart. Then, when what I “want” doesn’t happen, I am shocked, surprised, and entitled, because I believe a “need” has been violated.
     Being reminded “we’re on vacation” has helped maintain perspective in the home. What really matters in your home, your job, your relationships, and your life? Figure that out, and let everything else fall in place. Those top priorities, the hills we are willing to die on, truly do matter. Everything else? Everything else is just standing in line while you’re on vacation! You’re still at Disneyland! Except your life is the theme park and there’s no fee for parking. Which begs the question; what are you waiting for? Are there any “wants” you can let go of so you can refocus on the “need”? Is there a “need” which you have treated like a “want” and have now been left feeling empty and meaningless, even after getting that for which you struggled so long? If so, carve out some time for some solitude, or with trusted friends, or a journal, and reevaluate what you really need. And maybe, just maybe, be a little more willing to bend on what you want.

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Back To The Future Was Right!

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
William Shakespeare

     October 21, 2015 was Back To The Future Day. That was the date when Marty first traveled to the future. It has been enjoyable to reminisce about these movies and see their take on what the future(s)could look like. Back to the Future got a lot of things right. And a lot of things wrong. Most articles and discussions around the movies on this date focused on the context of the movie: the props, settings, technology, etc. They tend to focus on the “stuff”. What I haven’t seen is a discussion of the people.

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Rolling Resistance

“I conceived it as my task to make difficulties everywhere.”
~Kierkegaard as Climacus
     My tire pressure dash light has been on for about 2 weeks. My gas mileage is awful, my steering is less responsive, and I can’t be sure, but I think I heard my tires crying the other night. All of this is due to the change in temperature here in Kansas: It’s gone from oppressively hot to ridiculously cold. This has caused the air in my tires to huddle together for warmth (kinda), so the tire isn’t as inflated. This has increased the rolling resistance in my tires. In other words, it takes more energy to move my car, because the tires are creating more friction. There’s nothing wrong with my tires, they don’t have a leak or a hole, it’s just a change in weather.

Sometimes, situations in our life change and we begin to notice a decrease in our energy levels. We may have a shorter fuse, get frustrated more easily, or just feel a general sense of malaise. If you start looking for a problem and can’t identify anything, ask someone you trust to help provide additional perspectives/insights. If you still can’t find anything, it may be a psychological form of rolling resistance.

Over time, life tends to shift in different directions. Projects at work start growing, the kids have more extra-curricular activities because they’re older and more involved, pets have to go the vet, the heater goes out in December and the budget was already tight; all kinds of things can happen! One or two of these at a time may not even register as a “difficulty” in our life. Usually, most people can push through 1 or 2 of these. However, if we’re already stretched thin, these relatively easy tasks can begin to create a rolling resistance in our life. It will take more energy than normal to get the laundry done, brush our teeth, or even be with friends. There may not be a clinical depression, but things just seem to take “more”. If you are struggling with the effects of psychological rolling resistance, I have a few recommendations:

  1. Set better boundaries: Cloud and Townsend in their book Boundaries state that if you aren’t free to say “no”, any “yes” you give is contrived. That can mean saying no to really wonderful things, even if we desperately want to do it.
  2. Self-Care: Making sure you have enough in your psychological reserves before you decide to give to someone or something else is crucial.
  3. Be willing to change your mind: Already said yes to something you don’t have time for? Time to swallow your pride, contact someone, and let them know it’s going to take longer than you thought. You may have to tell them it’s not going to happen at all. Apologize for overextending yourself and try to do what you can with what you have.
  4. Accept help: I don’t know why, but this seems to be very difficult for many people. I’ve seen hundreds of people willing to offer their help at a moments notice. Those same people are often reticent to accept help. It could be because they’re worried they’ll “owe” someone. It could be because they believe they’re not worth the help. Truth is, no one is expected to do life alone. Ask for help. If you receive it, be grateful! If you don’t, respect those boundaries, ask someone else, and try something new.
  5. Realize that life is difficult: In the opening quote, Kierkegaard writes about being a difficulty. Many people believe that life is a series of struggles, and all we get to do is pick which struggles we want. Never forget that you are someone else’s struggle…and they’ve picked you on purpose! You are worth the struggle.
Rolling Resistance.
(C) Nathan D. Croy, 2018
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Heart Poops.

“Loving just one is too little; loving all is being superficial; knowing yourself and loving as many as possible, letting your soul hide all the powers of love in itself, so that each gets its particular nourishment while consciousness nevertheless embraces it all – that is enjoyment, that is living.”
― Søren Kierkegaard, Either/Or: A Fragment of Life

     An interesting trend has begun to appear in several of my conversations with other people: What to do with emotions. One idea is that emotions are supposed to be destroyed, rather than experienced, in some form of stoicism. Another is that emotions should be expressed whenever and however someone would like. There is some truth in these concepts, but they miss the mark.

     I’m unsure where this line of thinking came from, but it’s disturbing. Emotions are a natural part of the experience of life. They aren’t good or bad, they aren’t wrong or right, they just…are. I can’t stress this enough: EMOTIONS ARE NOT GOOD OR BAD! They are morally and ethically neutral. You are entitled to your emotions and should never be ashamed of them.

     There is an analogy that may help. You remember those analogies on the SAT? Like, “Pockets are to pants, as pouches are to marsupials”. I love those things. I have a new one for you:
“Emotions are to the heart, as poop is to the digestive tract”

Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? But it’s true! In the same way feces are an important product of our body, emotions are a crucial product of our heart. If you eat, you poo. At least you should. If you’re alive, you feel. Again, at least you should.

There are people that struggle with constipation and they just can’t get anything out. Chronic constipation can lead to impacted bowels. This is a block in the intestines which becomes so hard only liquid can go around it. Ironically, one of the symptoms of constipation can be diarrhea. This is because the liquids ingested can make their way around the impacted bowel. Left untreated, it will become more impacted until surgery is necessary. Without surgery or early interventions, it can even lead to death. DEATH! Your own feces can kill you if you hold on to it for too long.

On the opposite end of the spectrum are people that struggle with chronic diarrhea. This can be a symptom of Crohn’s disease, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), parasites, or a dozen other things. Diarrhea is problematic because food doesn’t sit in the digestive system long enough to absorb nutrients. Plus, it gets pretty messy. Ironically, diarrhea can be a symptom of both constipation and diarrhea. Another potential complication from diarrhea is also death from dehydration.

So what?

How, in the world, is talking about feces supposed to help us understand appropriate expression of emotions? Many years ago a psychoanalyst, Freud, talked about people being anal retentive or anal expulsive.  He believed:

“The Anal retentive personality is stingy, with a compulsive seeking of order and tidiness. The person is generally stubborn and perfectionist. The Anal expulsive personality is an opposite of the Anal retentive personality, and has a lack of self control, being generally messy and careless.” (Source)

There’s a lot more to this concept, but this should be enough to help understand the analogy. Some people make the mistake of holding their emotions in (anal retentive) while others make the mistake of overly expressing their emotions (anal expulsive).

Neither of these options are healthy. Expression of our emotions, as much as possible, should be on our own terms and with intent. Without this level of self-control it’s easy for our emotions to begin controlling us. In the same way that people shouldn’t feel ashamed for going to the bathroom, they shouldn’t feel ashamed for having emotions. Where we are held accountable is what we do with our emotions; how we express them.

Don’t hold it in forever because that may kill you! It will certainly poison whatever relationship you’re in that’s eliciting these emotions. But don’t fling your emotions all over the place either! You won’t even have time to process an experience and absorb the existential nutrients. Besides, who would want to be around that smell? It’s gross, unsanitary, and will probably leave a stain.

The best alternative is to acknowledge the feelings with enough time to make a choice about how they’re going to be expressed. This early identification is key! Holding emotions in too long may push us to the point where we don’t have an opportunity to choose when, where, or how we’re going to express them.

Happy Heart Poops, everyone!

Heart Poops (C) 2018 Nathan D. Croy
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The Buddy Bench

“Play makes us nimble — neurobiologically, mentally, behaviorally — capable of adapting to a rapidly evolving world.”
~Hara Estroff Marano: A Nation of Wimps
     I’ve heard discussions about something called the Buddy Bench. These are benches for children to sit on when they don’t have any friends to play with. Sitting on this bench is a cue for other children to invite this child to play. There are probably some nuances to the Buddy Bench I’m missing, but this is the basic principle. For more information, please check out the Buddy Bench website. The vision around the Buddy Bench is fantastic. Growing up, I experienced severe bullying and exclusion. Inclusion and friendship are great goals and we should be intentionally providing ways to encourage these behaviors in children. We should also be teaching them to adults! However, I believe the Buddy Bench potentially does more harm than good. Existentially, there are a few reasons this is a bad idea, and I’d like to recommend some alternatives.
     In A Nation of Wimps, Marano claims that parental over-involvement serves to undermine children’s confidence by weakening their psychological resiliency. Maranos’ research based book illustrates the risk of removing reciprocity from relationship (Buber). I will suggest why the Buddy Bench may inadvertently subvert the very ideals it seeks to encourage. Then, I will suggest a more difficult and authentic response to encourage children, and adults, to engage in healthy social relationship.

The Problem

    The primary issue I have with this idea is that it puts the onus of relationship almost entirely on the “other”. It does so through passive, rather than active/assertive communication. Sitting on the bench is making a statement without making a request. This is passive-aggressive communication 101. For example: if someone comes to your house, is sitting down to dinner with everyone, and made the statement, “It sure is hot in here…”, it may be a natural response to turn on a fan, open a window, turn down the AC, apologize for the unseasonably warm weather, or simply agree with them! However, the person making that statement has avoided vulnerability by making a request. Instead of asking if they could turn the AC cooler and risk being told, “No” (a rejection), they can use manipulative statements in an attempt to elicit a behavioral response from someone else.
     The more adept someone is at reading body language, subtle context clues, and implications, the better they will be at accidentally enabling others to continue using passive-aggressive speech. This prevents people from creating actual trust in others, because there’s no vulnerability. Without risking rejection, there can be no trust because no one has had the opportunity to let you down or hurt you!
     You may be saying, “Hey, Nathan! You don’t think sitting on a Buddy Bench is an act of vulnerability? You’re crazy!” Well, you may not be wrong about that last part, but here’s the issue: Sitting on a Buddy Bench automatically shifts the responsibility of connection from self, to others. It is a clear signal of needing support or relationship, but it is a request without risk. Even when the bench works, it doesn’t work, because the child will not know if they have a relationship with another child out of social obligation or due to their own personality, choices, and skills.

The Alternative

     Bullying is not acceptable. Bullying is meaningless, destructive, hurtful, and unhelpful. Anything I suggest from here on out should, in no way, be construed to imply that bullying is useful or healthy. And, just because a child is struggling with friendships/relationship, does not necessarily mean they are being bullied. It’s important to look at the context within which the isolation is occurring. If it’s primarily one or two children, then it’s likely bullying. If the child has almost no friends and is conflict with most other children, then it’s likely the child themselves is the issue.
     The response should not be to request the rest of the world to change to accommodate a lack of social skills/social understanding in one child. If this was the expectation, then it would stand to reason that we should all change in order to acquiesce to the requests of bullies! There are societal expectations and norms. They are not always fair, but they exist. Children are particularly skilled at punishing undesirable social behaviors. There are healthy ways for children (and adults) to learn to adjust their behavior to be more acceptable.
     I am not suggesting we should “go with the crowd”. There should be a sense of self that modulates all interpersonal and intrapersonal behavioral choices. But it is difficult to establish a sense of self by externalizing the locus of control in relationship creation. The better alternative would be to teach social skills in schools. Provide training to educators and administrators about how they can foster resilience in children. Resilience does not come without a certain amount of stress and discomfort. Having faith that our children are capable of learning new and better ways to interact and express themselves is a more difficult and time consuming route, but it is far healthier than a buddy bench.


Buddy Bench
Buddy Bench
(C) Nathan D. Croy, 2016